Two months without a post....kind of says a lot all in itself.
My dear husband keeps reminding me that I should probably write something. He's right, I should.
If you haven't given up on me and you are still hanging around out there waiting to hear from me, thank you!
This winter has been kicking my butt. I think this is the first winter I have endured in Minnesota where I have thoughtfully considered moving to someplace warmer (Charlotte, NC in case anyone is wondering) and seen the allure of a warm weather vacation. Between the ridiculously cold weather in January and the snow and sickness that February brought us, I've hit my threshold. It happened Wednesday night as I was driving the older two home from swimming lessons and I was trying to stop at a stop light when the van started sliding sideways on these wonderful streets that could double as ice rinks. The thought of waking up, getting the kids in all their winter gear and driving on these horrible roads for one more day was more than I could stomach....but here we are, pressing on.
February was a complete wash in terms of exercise/eating well. Between a strain of influenza that wasn't covered by the vaccination and a wonderful case of gastroenteritis, I think there was a total of 10 days the entire month where I even felt capable of doing anything other than existing. My muscles are weak but my spirit is weaker. I eeked out a four mile run on the treadmill this morning and every single second of it was brutal. I miss running outside.
Since November, I have really made no effort to lose any weight. I have eaten what I wanted. I have indulged many a times. However, my weight has stayed between 230 and 235, so I'm calling it a victory. I'm not ready to be in maintenance mode, I would still really like to be below 200, but I'm really ok with it taking a while to get there.
I was thinking today about how so many people talk about losing weight to be healthy, but I think if they are honest, they would admit that it is much more about looking good than health. For someone like me who has been obese their entire life and has to lose more than 50% of their max body weight to even be considered "normal", it absolutely has to be about being healthy, because looking good or even looking healthy is never going to happen. I will carry with me forever the reminder that I used to weight 355 pounds (385 pregnant) in the lose, saggy, disgusting folds of skin that are leftover. I think I have cried more in dressing rooms now than I ever did when I was 100 pounds heavier. I've worked my butt off, the sizes have dropped and still, nothing looks "right". Yes, it is great to be healthy, it is great to be active, but it would also be really great to actually see the body that is hiding beneath everything that is left over. It has to be about health, or I would have given up by now.
God has still been doing a number on my heart. Most of the reason that I haven't written lately is because there is so much going on inside of my head. I am having a really hard time forming clear enough thoughts to even compose lately because things are swirling around so much. My thoughts about and what it means to be a Christian have changed so drastically over the past four months and God just keeps opening up my eyes to things I haven't seen before. I have been devouring books, sermons and The Word lately and I just can't seem to get enough. Through all of this, I really felt that God has been calling me to start another blog. I won't stop blogging here, but I got a very strong sense that he wanted me to take a different direction with another blog that was strictly about Jesus, Love and The Kingdom. It still scares the crap out of me to talk so openly about the things that I feel like he is calling me to talk about, but I'm doing my best to be obedient. If you are interested, you can check it out here, www.reticenceunveiled.com
Like I said, I have struggled to find the ability to form complete thoughts/sentences lately, so it might be a slow start, but I have a notebook full of potential blog posts that have come to me in the middle of the night or right as I'm trying to fall asleep.
We have declared March the "re-do, re-do" month around here. We all need a fresh start. I'm hoping to start actually eating food that is better for me and for everyone else around here as well. So hopefully, with that, will come some weight loss progress and some new updates.
Thanks for reading!