Last night I was in bed and couldn't fall asleep, so I turned on a movie. I watched October Baby, which is a movie about a girl who finds out she was adopted at the age of 19. I loved the movie, but the movie combined with the tornado in Oklahoma yesterday left me feeling unsettled. I had a lot of thoughts running through my head and still couldn’t sleep, so I decided to grab my journal and write some things down.
So, here they are, the racing thoughts I have when I stay up too late and think too much.
Sometimes I have a really hard time with the world and the things that take place; the loss of life, the devastation, the ruin….I don't even bother watching the images on the screen because it is all just too much.
I become paralyzed. Paralyzed by all there is to do. All the hearts that need to be repaired, all the lives that need hope, all the love that has yet to be felt. I shut down, I feel numb, so small, so powerless…..so inadequate.
There is so much I want to do. So much love I want to share. It is hard to wait, hard to accept that I have a husband and three small children that need that love from me and they are just as important.
I am so overwhelmed by it all. So frustrated by the people who don't get it and don't take action.
The only place that seems acceptable to go at a time like this is straight to my knees. Never have I felt the need to cry out to God on behalf of our people, our country, our parents, our world as I do right now.
We need Jesus. We need him badly.
But amidst all these thoughts, I hear that oh so familiar still small voice saying, "not yet, it isn't time, there is still much to be done…"
God has to feel the overwhelming struggle that I feel, but on a much greater magnitude. How much more heartbreaking it must be for him to watch people profess their allegiance to him and to still not get what it truly means to follow him. People more concerned about the building and organizational structure of the church than being The Body of Christ.
There are children who feel unwanted, unloved, rejected and that is not ok.
There are people who go days without a meal to eat or clean water to drink, and that is not ok.
There are women and children forced into slavery and that is not ok.
There a millions of lives being ended before they even had the chance to begin, and that is not ok.
We need to do more. We have to do more. He needs us to do more. We are his, He lives in us, we are representing Him on this earth, we are His hands and feet…..even more, we are his love.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5
I am so thankful that I don't have to understand it all. I don't have to fix it all, even though the "Responsibility" strength in me really wants to try. God's sovereignty and grace covers us all. I struggle so much to accept and trust this truth during times when the brokenness of the world is so visible.
I pray that I will find a way to be used, a way to share the love and grace that he has shared with me. I pray that I'll be open to whatever that may be, even if it doesn't come in a neat and tidy package. I pray that I can set aside my wishes, my desires, my things, my expectations, my pride and just follow him.
"And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said tot hem, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." Mark 8:34-35
Help me choose to lose in a world that is consumed with winning.