Thursday, April 2, 2015

Old Habits Die Hard

So remember back on December 31st when I said I was going to post more and I was going to begin again....yeah, that hasn't been going so well.  But I'm back again today to make the same stinking declaration I've made to myself and to you many times before.

I intend to finish what I started instead of staying stuck here in a comfortable place for the rest of my life.

I'd been holding steady around 250 for quite a while.  I was doing great in January with running.  I was doing great on starting over with the Couch to 5K plan at a faster pace and then February hit and it was one virus after another, which lead into March which was a lot of the same including my first experience with shingles.  

I like to say that I'm really great at making excuses, and maybe I am, but the truth is, the past few months were really hard mentally and emotionally and I just needed some time to exist.  My anxiety has been out of control and my body is sending me really loud signals to tell me it isn't happy.   I have gotten so good at what I think is dealing with my anxiety, but I'm actually just ignoring it, but my body is still very aware.  Healthy 33 year old women don't get shingles unless their immune system is compromised by stress.  

I apparently get really worked up over really stupid things and I don't always even know it is happening.  A couple of weeks ago I was driving home from Verona, WI and I thought I'd stop in Wisconsin Dells at an outlet mall to do a little bit of shopping for myself.  I tried on a few things and didn't really like the way anything looked, so I decided to shop for my kiddos instead.  As I was shopping I started to get a stabbing pain in my back, right around my heart.  I thought it might be related to the shingles, but it was starting to concern me a little bit so I cut my shopping trip short and headed back to the car to call my husband.  As I called him to tell him what was going on, I just started sobbing and as soon as I hung up the phone I realized I was having an anxiety attack.....over clothes, or my complete inability to construct an outfit that looks remotely appealing.  Silly, silly things, but my mind can't seem to let them go.    

I've spent a lot of time these past few months praying frustrated prayers of being stuck and waiting for the strength to finally get out of this rut and get this thing done.  I feel like I have been stuck here for a very specific purpose, which has been to inspire other people who also don't look like your typical runner to run marathons with Team World Vision.  I know a handful of people who were inspired to run after hearing my story, so good has come of me being stuck, but now, I really want to move on.

I'm running my second marathon with Team World Vision in October.  I had really hoped to be faster so that I could run with the friends I had made last year who run at a faster pace, but instead, God has given me new friends to run with this year who already run at a pace closer to mine.  His plans are always so good.

That being said, I desperately want to lose some weight before October to make marathon number 2 easier on my body.  We went on a brief family vacation to St. Louis this week and I kind of allowed myself one too many indulgences and yesterday when I stepped on the scale it read bueno.  So I'm trying to get back on track, and I think it will be easier this time since my husband has decided to run the marathon with me.  I think tackling this sucker together is an answered prayer and I'm confident that God will be working in our lives and in our marriage to help us both overcome our dependence on food for pretty much everything.

I really need to get a grip on the quality and quantity of the food I'm eating but I haven't been able to come up with a meal plan or shopping list for the last two months.  I have tried, multiple times, but I just scroll relentlessly through recipe after recipe and nothing seems appealing.  I feel like I'm stuck in this place where I'm sick and tired of trying to make healthy food for my family that no one will eat and making food that isn't the best for us but that I know will get eaten.  I really don't want to compromise, so instead, I'm doing nothing at all.  If anyone has healthy recipes that are 3, 5 and 6 year old approved, send them my way!

Bottom line, I'm tired of being stuck where I am, I want to move forward, but like I said, I'm tired and having a hard time finding the energy and motivation I need to move forward.  I keep praying for a breakthrough.  God gave me one before and I'm sure he'll do it again when the time is right, I just hope that might be some time soon.

So thanks for sticking with me even though it is inconsistent and not always super uplifting, but if nothing else, it is real, and I always appreciate that.  

I do find time to smile every once in a while.